Two Centaurs Walk into a Chipotle...

So im walking to work as usual when mork pulls up next to us in the passenger side of his best friends ride trying to holler at me and starts singing "my eyes are getting weeary...my back is getting tight" and the van follows us all the way up to the bldg and hes like "baby all I wanna do is cash my check and drive home to you..." what a loser!

Anyways, so I walk upstairs to my desk and pass Cent (formerly as known as Centaur) and she's got this blank glazed over stare which is magnified by her thick glasses. Her head is tilted at a 60 degree angle with a big dreamy smile on her face. She is dreaming of Mork. Mork Black (see picture). They are staying at his condo at Seacrets. He is sweeping her off her hooves. Centaur was awakened from her fantasy by a mass page projected throughout the office: "Whoever Googled Jerry Mayer…please report to HR immediately."

So I decided to turn myself in thinking how bad can it be? So what if I googled Jerry Mayer?When I walk in the chair is turned around like facing the window and a voice says "have a seat. " Then the chair spins around to reveal none other than Joey Greco. For some reason Joey Greco has a cat sitting on the desk kinda like Dr. claw. He begins the investigation:

Greco: "What do you know about Mayer?"

Me: I don't know anything about Jerry Mayer. That's why I was googling him.

Greco then slides across the desk a picture of Mork Black in front of Seacrets.

Greco: What do you call this?

Me: I-

Greco: What about this?(Greco slides a picture of the door in front of the office with the bug smashed and also a picture we had of Wilford in his mountaineer hat)

Me: where did you get these?

Mork: Paintbrush! Mork appeared from behind the coathanger in a dark corner.

Greco:"we have someone who would like to confront you..."

then Mork emerges from the shadows. Greco slides the last and final picture which we had googled earlier in the week. It was a picture of 'The Beets' from Doug.

Greco: what do you know about the Beets?

Mork interrupts Greco and with an air guitar belts out "KILLER TOFUUUU"Mork gets so into it that he accidentally hits the intercom on the phone so itll go through the whole office... "ooh ee ohhh...killer tofu!" and centaur hears this on her phone and says to no one in particular "that sounds yummy!"

Greco: Mork, please stop.

Mork exits yelling "who ate my edamame??"

Greco: Back to the investigation. what can you tell us about jerry mayer? Before I can respond barton wanders into HR starts talking about Jerry Mayer's website and how he's an actor/producer. Joey Greco turns to his computer and begins to type the website

Greco: is it http://www.jerrymayer.c/-

Barton: oh, grow up Joey! That Mayer is fat and he dyes his hair.

Me- I thought he was bald…

Centaur enters: Oh my God…you guys jerry mayer will be starring in high school musical 3!

Barton: Very nice....

Greco: alright…that settles that matter. We just have, one more thing to ask you. We found this flier on the bathroom wall, do you know anything about it?

BENFEST 2008

Bring your Mexican Ponchos, your Dave Matthews CDs, your Jesus sandle, your orange beards and come on down to BENFEST 08. It will take place on the eastern shore just across the bay bridge. Jumbo Crabs and strippers. Good Boys Club status only. And for the ladies, we are offering "get fit, lose weight" wellness classes. We will provide booze and a ride home and baseball. Bring your catchers mit, we'll fry it up on the grillz (for realz). So put on your soccer cleats, get on your elephant and hop on over to BENFEST! This is the celebration of the greatest employee there ever was………..

UPDATE

UPDATE:Today the Downer returned to work with a walker. It's got a rearview mirror, complete with an American flag and tennis balls. I think there might be an alarm on it. She flaunts it in the hallway outside her cube so ppl have no choice but to notice it and ask her what happened. The person immediately regrets asking this because the Downer will go into a long-winded story about how she broke all her bones and had to get them fixed and she'll continue to complain about her life.

Grab Bags (sold at the Dollar Tree)

yo yo

magic beans (the kind you put in water and they grow into foam figures)

balsa wood airplane

a cap gun

a deputy badge

dinosaur figurine

supersoaker

so im at my desk, bored. typing with a paperclip on my finger like a witch nail or something. I'm hoping nobody sees me or notices but it's too late. Mork walks by and is reminded of his childhood. all of a sudden i hear singing behind me: "Spider webs, rotten eggs purple paint too....stir it in my witches brew, I got maaagic. alla-kazam-akazoo." I immediately take the paperclips off and put them back in my drawer. Meanwhile Mork proceeds to the upstairs conference room followed Wilford and they slam the door. For the next hour, we hear really bad 80s keyboard music (where you hit the button and the beat's already there). I finally decide to peak in the conference and see what the hap's was. Inside I found Mork doing a headstand and scissor-kicking his legs while karaoking to a Rick Astley song "Never Gonna Give You Up." To avoid this awkward situation we slowly shut the door and sneak back out. Not even 5 minutes later we hear the guitar cranked up. We rush to the conference room to see what all the racket was about. Wilford comes from the side door and yells "hey man! let's grind!" with a skateboard over his head. Just then "Sk8r Boi" comes on Guitar Hero and it's Morks turn. Wilford is doing air guitar in the back. They both sing "he was a sk8r boi she said seeya later boi" perfectly as if they've been practicing in the van alot. We both just stand speechless. Towards the end, Mork gets a little too hyped up and takes it too far. He proceeds to smash the game guitar against the table and the wall, smashing it into pieces, debris flying everywhere. The next morning I sign in at my desk and received an email from HR that says: WHOEVER SMASHED THE GUITAR IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM PLEASE REPORT TO HR. Nobody shows. so the office decided to hire an investigator. No other than Joey Greco.

Mork and Brimley

"Mork and Brimley"featuring Mork and the shuttle driver, Wilford.

Today is the worst day of my life (worse than the day before) im soaked! the dang van totally blew me off. i was just parking and he ZOOMED past me! the one day i want a ride....lol he waits at the front of your car for you to park and when he sees that youre ready to emerge from your vehicle that's his que to ZOOM off. he rolls the window down and rips off his furry mountain-man hat and twists it around his head like a helicopter (with Petey Pablo in the background) while mork with a backwards visor hangs out the passenger window with a big sign that reads: "SIKE!" then they turn to each other and high-five. Centaur is laughing it up in the back seat. and centaurs in the back like "omg that was sooo funny!" and they toss her a steak. Then they open up the trap door and Centaur tosses the steak where it hits one of us in the face. The van circles back around doing donuts in the parking lot and stops just short of hitting us where mork is like "thats what im talkin about". The Shuttle van once again speeds away splashing us with mud. then theyre all laughing in the van as it speeds off. meanwhile we're trudging through the river with all our bags and cheap ass umbrellas that are about to get ripped from our hands by the wind. we finally make it into the building and we see centaur sitting there. she sees our soaked clothes and says "omg did you guys get wet?"

meanwhile as I enter the kitchen to put my lunch away, 'mansweater' and 'miniskirt' w/ a wrestling shirt look up from their french toast and give us a dirty look in the kitchen and miniskirt says "come on kris, lets go somewhere more private" they get up and leave. The Downer is at the far end table reading a book. She also gives us a dirty and leaves because we turned on FX. She can't handle that and read a book. The Downer is pissed so she goes down to her hole which is "so hot down there because of all those computers..." as she turns to leave....she falls and she can't get up. She starts whimpering and bitching that she somehow again broker her back. her neck and her back. (She must have sensed that our day was worse than hers)

The Worst Day EVER

Mork at Seacrets....

This morning, I'm sitting in my car minding my own business....when the shuttle rolls up all creepily and it stops w/ the end in front of my car w/ the back of the bus at the front of my car and then all of a sudden when I opened the door of my car, the Shuttle van speeds off as the shuttle driver puts the petal to the floor...and yells "SIKE!!!" He slaps high fives with Mork whose in shotgun. "That's what I'm talking about" says Mork chuckling. Today is the worst day of my life. and it just gets worse....when I get into the office I'm getting "shout-outs" left and right.



So………apparently today, someone decided to cook their baseball glove and cover it in old bay then drown it w/ maple syrup (probably from that Oak table someone put in the personal lines conference room). Some say that elves may have carved this mythical table which appeared out of nowhere last Friday. All we need now is some muskets and raccoon tails on the walls underneath the moose head. The cooked baseball glove smelled so bad, I'd rather smell soapy shit from the shit-smeared bathroom. At least that offers some freshness to it.

Anyways….so I was having such a bad day I decided that me and crew would go to the village starbucks. We walked in, stood in line and ordered our coffee. (Joey Greco was the barrista)
Joey Greco: would you like whipped cream?
Me: no.
Joey Greco: Tall? Grande? Venti?
Me: just tall….
Joey Greco: would you like sugar? Sweet n low? Splenda…..
Me: just plain.
Joey Greco: would you like any lemon bars? Perhaps a scone…
Me: No, thanks…. [as I’m walking away…]
Joey Greco: can I interest you in a bear claw?...

I sit down w/ my two friends (kinda like Samir and Michael Bolton from Office Space) when all of a sudden I heard a chair pull up behind me….It’s Mork with a backwards upside-down visor, wearing a white “faded glory” polo with the collar popped.
Mork: “Mind if I pull up a seat?” (he’s straddling the chair backwards like the cool guy that he is)
None of us respond….
Mork: So, do you girls come here often? (He pulls out a copy of “Are you there God? It’s me Margaret”) Do you guys ever read this? It’s a good read. Bake My fish.
Michael Bolton: that’s pretty much the worst book of all time.
Mork: I was just jossin you guys. He takes a sip and smacks his lips and says “Can’t get enough of this stuff!” [Mork disappears momentarily, then returns doing the poplock and hands one of us a starbucks iced coffee]
Mork: There's more where that came from, if you'll come to Seacrets...

Next Week on Mork and Mayer: Mork is at Seacrets doing 'the worm' dance in front of a cheering crowd of scuzzy old people.


Next week on MORK AND MAYER:

Mork enters the dentist office where it says "BIG TYMERS FAMILY DENTISTRY" on the outer door, shirtless but with a cowboy/motorcycle leather vest and chaps (think Sisqo's music video for "Wild Wild West").
Mork: "I'm the maintenance guy...here to fix the lights"
(Joey Greco is the Dental Assistant)
Joey: do you have an appt? come on in, have a seat.
Mork: no, I'm just here to fix the lights...
Joey: have you been flossing?

[BIG TYMERS ENTER w/ music from their hit "Real Big"]
Joey: Morning....what font size would you like this letter?
Mannie Fresh: Font Real BIG....MOUSE REAL BIG....COMPUTER REAL BIG...

UPDATE

UPDATE: Today on Tuesday, April 8th, the centaur went all out.

For breakfast: she had not one, but two slices of leftover pizza. Sounds like a bad idea. It gets worse. Next, she engorged on a giant chocolate cupcake. Lunch included chicken strips and another unknown substance. All of this was the most "DELICIOUS FOOD" she ever had. what really grinds my gears is the fact that said centaur is allegedly on a diet. Grinding my ghost gears.

Side note: who is "woooooo"ing in the conference like they're on a God Damn roller coaster?

Anyways, you know else grinds my gears? OBRIEN. he's a baby bear. Sources tell us "he's fat." He may seem like an okay guy, but don't be fooled. He's a A class suck-up. It would be wise keep your distance. He went to a Native American College in a Teepee on the Eastern Shore and played soccer. He's never worked in an office, but now he's in the "cool guy" club (which includes producers and the president) where they mainly play golf, discuss sports that they tivo-ed, or go out every weekend and GET RIPPED! In fact when it comes to Murphy and Obrien we can boil it down to one simple equation:

(No Business experience + weener) * Eastern Shore College / (soccer^2)= 'mini-producer'

*be sure to use "Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally" when utilizing this equation.

Last, but not least....why was our shuttle driver pulled over by a cop monday morning and given a sobriety test? And he wonders why I don't ride the shuttle.

• He stalks people: He begins by tailgating them into the lot waits for them to park and then pulls around to the front and waits for you staring intently for long periods of time. Then he gets pissed off when you don't accept the ride. He's creepy. Him and Mork know everything about you.
• He honks when I'm already past the tennis courts...
• It takes even more time to ride the shuttle than it does walking there.
• What is up w/ that hat? Alot of people hate that hat! Are you that cold? when the heat is already blasting so that none of the passengers can breath.
• Finally, I do NOT want to be that close to Mork, mythical creatures or Batman villains.

Why do the centaurs, complain about being fat, when they take the shuttle to avoid walking 500 feet to the office? Riddle Me this....

Little Bit of this....little Bit of that

Today's blog will be a little bit of everything (mainly skeevy men at the office). Let's begin with Mork. ahhhh Mork. The creepy mainentance guy who hangs with the shuttle driver (whom is having an affair) on fridays. He has a hair chest that is always visible...we found him on craigslist missed connections under m4w looking for a young girl with high heels...cougar bottom jeans...He also invites young girls to bars in Severna Park (awkward...).

**BATHROOM UPDATE** BREAKING NEWS***

Today, one of the stalls smelled of "soapy shit". Two smells I'd rather not smell together. Also, we just got a report in that apparently someone shit on their hand....and then smeared it right below the toilet paper dispenser directly on the wall. More to come, on this breaking news...

We will end today's blog with a quote from Milton (more on him later...)

Milton(w/ a crazy twinkle in his eye): "body shots? where WHERE gimme gimme! tell me tell me! I have a car, I can drive through the city....very nice"

The Unexplained....

As you may or may not know....centaurs are a mythical half man half horse. There is no scientific proof of their existence. But to those who have seen one, need no scientific explanation. Join me tonight, for this and other unsolved mysteries.....



Centaurs are middled-aged, broke, and known to 'complain about their weight' and pick on others that are of non-centaur descent (whom do not have weight problems). They travel in packs and take 3 hour lunch breaks. Where they consume massive amounts of greasy food packed with sugar. Centaurs often make recurring comments such as "why am i soooo fat?" and "you're sooooo skinny its disgusting" and "oh God too much carbs!! these are good!!" (in a monster voice).

Their diet consists mainly of cheap mexican food served in an assemply line, known as Chipotle. They also like Mexicans. Centaurs frequent chipotle at least 5 TIMES A WEEK. They also enjoy carry out in the form of big, greasy, subs slopped with mayo.

Centaurs are nosy. So beware....they like to be involved in every detail of your life in and outside the office. Should you decide to order carryout, you better include the centaur. If you don't be prepared to face the wrath of the angry, hunger-crazed centaur in a cheap terri cloth sweater...Centaurs get so involved in office politics and games that despite having no $ they will go out and buy $250 video game consoles.

Last but not least, centaurs have an unusual way of standing and/or walking. You will know by their protruding backside, velociraptor-like arms, and a horse-like trot. If you spot this mythical creature, keep your distance.

Someone out there knows a centaur, perhaps it is you...