The Worst Day EVER

Mork at Seacrets....

This morning, I'm sitting in my car minding my own business....when the shuttle rolls up all creepily and it stops w/ the end in front of my car w/ the back of the bus at the front of my car and then all of a sudden when I opened the door of my car, the Shuttle van speeds off as the shuttle driver puts the petal to the floor...and yells "SIKE!!!" He slaps high fives with Mork whose in shotgun. "That's what I'm talking about" says Mork chuckling. Today is the worst day of my life. and it just gets worse....when I get into the office I'm getting "shout-outs" left and right.



So………apparently today, someone decided to cook their baseball glove and cover it in old bay then drown it w/ maple syrup (probably from that Oak table someone put in the personal lines conference room). Some say that elves may have carved this mythical table which appeared out of nowhere last Friday. All we need now is some muskets and raccoon tails on the walls underneath the moose head. The cooked baseball glove smelled so bad, I'd rather smell soapy shit from the shit-smeared bathroom. At least that offers some freshness to it.

Anyways….so I was having such a bad day I decided that me and crew would go to the village starbucks. We walked in, stood in line and ordered our coffee. (Joey Greco was the barrista)
Joey Greco: would you like whipped cream?
Me: no.
Joey Greco: Tall? Grande? Venti?
Me: just tall….
Joey Greco: would you like sugar? Sweet n low? Splenda…..
Me: just plain.
Joey Greco: would you like any lemon bars? Perhaps a scone…
Me: No, thanks…. [as I’m walking away…]
Joey Greco: can I interest you in a bear claw?...

I sit down w/ my two friends (kinda like Samir and Michael Bolton from Office Space) when all of a sudden I heard a chair pull up behind me….It’s Mork with a backwards upside-down visor, wearing a white “faded glory” polo with the collar popped.
Mork: “Mind if I pull up a seat?” (he’s straddling the chair backwards like the cool guy that he is)
None of us respond….
Mork: So, do you girls come here often? (He pulls out a copy of “Are you there God? It’s me Margaret”) Do you guys ever read this? It’s a good read. Bake My fish.
Michael Bolton: that’s pretty much the worst book of all time.
Mork: I was just jossin you guys. He takes a sip and smacks his lips and says “Can’t get enough of this stuff!” [Mork disappears momentarily, then returns doing the poplock and hands one of us a starbucks iced coffee]
Mork: There's more where that came from, if you'll come to Seacrets...

Next Week on Mork and Mayer: Mork is at Seacrets doing 'the worm' dance in front of a cheering crowd of scuzzy old people.


Next week on MORK AND MAYER:

Mork enters the dentist office where it says "BIG TYMERS FAMILY DENTISTRY" on the outer door, shirtless but with a cowboy/motorcycle leather vest and chaps (think Sisqo's music video for "Wild Wild West").
Mork: "I'm the maintenance guy...here to fix the lights"
(Joey Greco is the Dental Assistant)
Joey: do you have an appt? come on in, have a seat.
Mork: no, I'm just here to fix the lights...
Joey: have you been flossing?

[BIG TYMERS ENTER w/ music from their hit "Real Big"]
Joey: Morning....what font size would you like this letter?
Mannie Fresh: Font Real BIG....MOUSE REAL BIG....COMPUTER REAL BIG...

UPDATE

UPDATE: Today on Tuesday, April 8th, the centaur went all out.

For breakfast: she had not one, but two slices of leftover pizza. Sounds like a bad idea. It gets worse. Next, she engorged on a giant chocolate cupcake. Lunch included chicken strips and another unknown substance. All of this was the most "DELICIOUS FOOD" she ever had. what really grinds my gears is the fact that said centaur is allegedly on a diet. Grinding my ghost gears.

Side note: who is "woooooo"ing in the conference like they're on a God Damn roller coaster?

Anyways, you know else grinds my gears? OBRIEN. he's a baby bear. Sources tell us "he's fat." He may seem like an okay guy, but don't be fooled. He's a A class suck-up. It would be wise keep your distance. He went to a Native American College in a Teepee on the Eastern Shore and played soccer. He's never worked in an office, but now he's in the "cool guy" club (which includes producers and the president) where they mainly play golf, discuss sports that they tivo-ed, or go out every weekend and GET RIPPED! In fact when it comes to Murphy and Obrien we can boil it down to one simple equation:

(No Business experience + weener) * Eastern Shore College / (soccer^2)= 'mini-producer'

*be sure to use "Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally" when utilizing this equation.

Last, but not least....why was our shuttle driver pulled over by a cop monday morning and given a sobriety test? And he wonders why I don't ride the shuttle.

• He stalks people: He begins by tailgating them into the lot waits for them to park and then pulls around to the front and waits for you staring intently for long periods of time. Then he gets pissed off when you don't accept the ride. He's creepy. Him and Mork know everything about you.
• He honks when I'm already past the tennis courts...
• It takes even more time to ride the shuttle than it does walking there.
• What is up w/ that hat? Alot of people hate that hat! Are you that cold? when the heat is already blasting so that none of the passengers can breath.
• Finally, I do NOT want to be that close to Mork, mythical creatures or Batman villains.

Why do the centaurs, complain about being fat, when they take the shuttle to avoid walking 500 feet to the office? Riddle Me this....

Little Bit of this....little Bit of that

Today's blog will be a little bit of everything (mainly skeevy men at the office). Let's begin with Mork. ahhhh Mork. The creepy mainentance guy who hangs with the shuttle driver (whom is having an affair) on fridays. He has a hair chest that is always visible...we found him on craigslist missed connections under m4w looking for a young girl with high heels...cougar bottom jeans...He also invites young girls to bars in Severna Park (awkward...).

**BATHROOM UPDATE** BREAKING NEWS***

Today, one of the stalls smelled of "soapy shit". Two smells I'd rather not smell together. Also, we just got a report in that apparently someone shit on their hand....and then smeared it right below the toilet paper dispenser directly on the wall. More to come, on this breaking news...

We will end today's blog with a quote from Milton (more on him later...)

Milton(w/ a crazy twinkle in his eye): "body shots? where WHERE gimme gimme! tell me tell me! I have a car, I can drive through the city....very nice"

The Unexplained....

As you may or may not know....centaurs are a mythical half man half horse. There is no scientific proof of their existence. But to those who have seen one, need no scientific explanation. Join me tonight, for this and other unsolved mysteries.....



Centaurs are middled-aged, broke, and known to 'complain about their weight' and pick on others that are of non-centaur descent (whom do not have weight problems). They travel in packs and take 3 hour lunch breaks. Where they consume massive amounts of greasy food packed with sugar. Centaurs often make recurring comments such as "why am i soooo fat?" and "you're sooooo skinny its disgusting" and "oh God too much carbs!! these are good!!" (in a monster voice).

Their diet consists mainly of cheap mexican food served in an assemply line, known as Chipotle. They also like Mexicans. Centaurs frequent chipotle at least 5 TIMES A WEEK. They also enjoy carry out in the form of big, greasy, subs slopped with mayo.

Centaurs are nosy. So beware....they like to be involved in every detail of your life in and outside the office. Should you decide to order carryout, you better include the centaur. If you don't be prepared to face the wrath of the angry, hunger-crazed centaur in a cheap terri cloth sweater...Centaurs get so involved in office politics and games that despite having no $ they will go out and buy $250 video game consoles.

Last but not least, centaurs have an unusual way of standing and/or walking. You will know by their protruding backside, velociraptor-like arms, and a horse-like trot. If you spot this mythical creature, keep your distance.

Someone out there knows a centaur, perhaps it is you...

The aftermath of the Cheaters Stabbing

After Mr. Greco got stabbed while on the scene of Cheaters, Cheaters producers decided to 're-assign'
Mr. Greco to a new job....."the assistant"

Here's how it went down:

1st day on the job. Joey is assigned to write a letter on behalf of his superior, Mayer.


Mayer: Greco! get in here! I need you to send a letter to the client informing him of late notice of cancellation due to nonpayment.

Greco: Sir, I have a couple of questions, would you like that double spaced?

Mayer: uhhh...let's stick with single spaced

Greco: font size 12?

Mayer: welp--

Greco: Would you like Times New Roman?

Greco: Comic Sans?

Greco: Ariel?

Mayer: Damnit Greco! just do it. Answer that damn phone!

Greco: ehhem, good afternoon you've reached Joey Greco. How can we assist you? uhuh......well sure he's right here. But first, I have footage of him
stocking up candy in his office, and then inviting young girls from the office in there for some treats...Would you like to confront him? Sure hold on, (to Mayer) "it's Mrs. Mayer for you"

Mayer is speechless

Where's Waldo?

Tippy Toe gets the axe

As if you didn't expect it. We were all holding our breath. why you ask? could it be the never-coming to work? could it be...every excuse in the book in the course of one month? or could it be the invitation floating around for the sex party. Let me tell you a little ditty about "slumber parties". You've probably heard of them. But if you haven't, you're missing out. We don't even know where to start. Basicially Tippy Toe was selling toys...erotic toys to everyone she came in contact with in the form of parties. It was fine until, the slumber parties met our office. Just think about Tippy Toe bringing a catalogue of all the merchandise and talking about which ones are her and oliver twist's favorites. gross. She sent around a flyer advertising her business and how she was going to have a party (1 martini max per person) at her parents' house while they were out of town. What are we in middle school? She told us to pass it around the office to our single friends in the office....Instead we passed it around to our middle-aged married friends in the office. Who were delight at the invitation: "am im really invited?" Now, I do NOT want to hear about their sex lives, i dont care whehter theyre single, married, straight, mixed. or fat. Let's keep it professional please! We do not know why she got the boot, but I think we have a hunch!