Out to lunch

Today, Mork is wearing a sweater with an embroidered blue jay on the front of it made by his grandmother. Just below it, embroidered is a message that says: “fly like an eagle”. Mayer sees this and thinking its funny, takes a can of black spray paint and wrote underneath the bird: "in the ayer". Mork gets all pissed and tries to fight him while Greco gets a tide to-go stick and starts dabbing morks sweater.
Mork decides to go change his shirt. He returns with his hair all disheveled in his eyes with a soul patch and a crew neck long sleeve tee.
Greco: hey, wait a minute…Mork…
Mork: Who’s Mork? I’m Chris Gaines…

Mayer: who the hell is Chris Gaines?
Greco: He’s Garth Brooks alter-ego

Scene breaks.
Everybody goes back to work. Later in the lunchroom….

mayer: what are you losers doing?
mork: shut up! its paper mache
mayer: more like paper ma-gay!
mork: uhho! rollin' with the punches are we?
wilford (in teh back w/ paper mache on his glasses): hey mayer, i got one. what do you get when you cross a dog with paper mache?
mayer just stares...
wilford: your wife!
mayer: youre right!
wilford: what? youre supposed to get mad
mayer: why would i get mad?
mork: cuz its your wife, man!
mayer: exactly. so what are you losers making anyway (mayer shoves the big bowl of paper mache mix so it splashed on greco's apron and part of his glasses)
greco: if you dont mind...we're making a mobile of the solar system
mork: how many planets do we have going anyway? whats that saying about my mother...?
mayer: i did her?
mork: shut up! no you didnt!
mayer: since we're talking about the planets, is that a ring around uranus?
greco: uh, the ring is around saturn...
mayer: not from where i'm looking, it looks like its around your anus. hahahahah
greco: lets be civil, people (as he dips strips of newspaper into the paper mache)
mayer takes out his cane from his trenchcoat and pokes will in the stomach and attempts to poke the others. he lets otu a hearty laugh: you guys are all gay! and then he spits into the big bowl of paper mache and turns around and walks out
mork: (huffing and puffing) man! hes always runing everything!
greco: its fine mork, well just make more
mork: i dont wanna make more! im gonna teach him a lesson
(from the hallway they hear mayer) mayer: smitttyyyy!
(mork rips open the kitchen door and launches the bowl at what he thinks is mayer) mork: take this, ya jerk!
smitty: (as the paper mache lands all over his face) what the hell is this? what is wrong with you?!
greco: i told you to leave it alone mork! (He puts his arms around Mork and Mayer) you know what guys? Life is short. Let’s forget about it and go out to lunch. Just the guys…
Mork: yeah man, Smitty you in?
Smitty all pissed off: no thanks, I gotta go change my shirt.
Mayer: hey has anyone seen the giraffe? He might wanna come…
Mork: no lets go get him!
The Giraffe is sitting in his office with the door closed. Mork and Mayer followed Greco quietly enter. They find the giraffe in a red smoking jacket with a pipe in his mouth sitting in an old arm chair in the dark with a dim-lit reading lamp next to him, reading a book. Then he looks up
Giraffe: "oh hi, didnt see you come in."
He appears relaxed with his feet propped up on an ottoman. A cozy fire roars in the background. Mork, Mayer and Greco almost trip on the mammoth bear rug sprawled across the wooden floor. Greco then finds himself face to face with some sort animal head stuffed trophy he stumbles backwards.
Mork: hey, giraffe, you wanna go to lunch?
Giraffe: oh, no thanks, I brought mine.

Later after lunch…

Mork, Mayer and Greco are stumbling across the parking lot. They just came back from an all-you-can eat Italian buffet at Cucinas...Mork w/ pizza sauce all around his mouth carrying one last wedge of cheese calzone in his hand, Greco following quickly behind ready w/ a trashcan...

greco: are you still eating, mork?
mork: i cant stop! its so good!
greco: dont do it...youre gonna be sick
mayer: eat it! you cant let that go to waste! c'mon!
mork shoves the whole piece in his mouth
mayer: i think hes gonna blow!
Mork starts letting out a manly (more gross than anything else) bellow of victory with ricotta cheese flying out of his mouth. Probably attempting to be tim allen in tool time.
Greco: Mork, if you feel the need to vomit, you can into this trashcan at any time...
Mork: hey, is that a slide?
Mork starts running towards an imaginary slide in the quad. Instead he just passes out on the lawn.
mayer (standing over mork): that was awesome!
greco: no it wasnt! hes food-drunk. this is serious.
mork starts flailing around on the ground
mayer: well what do we do, genuis?
greco: mork, can you hear me?
mork: i dont feel very good, guys!
mayer: i say we leave him.
Mork: get back!
Mayer: he's gonna blow!!
just then mork projectile vomits all over greco and mayer
greco: i told you to use the trashcan!

Better Days..

One Friday morning, Mork and Greco are sharing a cube, doing office work:

Mork: hey guys, do you ever do signatures on outlook? mine rocks!

Mork P. Black
Renaissance Man
Cross Keys/Seacrets
Everywhere, USA
443.CALLMORK (cell)

we can drive home with one headlight

Greco: big woop. check out mine:

J. Greco
Little bit of this, little bit of that
Wherever you need me
1.800.NOCHEAT

Would you like Times New Roman?

then mayer shows up
"nah i think mines better!" he turns the corner and emails both Greco and Mork.

Mayer
sales/party captain
BJ's/Cross Keys
1-800-AYER

I'ma buy you a drank....

Just then…both Mork, Mayer, and Greco all received an email from an unknown sender:

Robert Stack
Ghost with the most
a 3rd Dimension

Perhaps you can help solve a mystery...

Mork: did we just get an email from beyond the grave?
Greco: it’s clearly from another dimension….

E-dawg walks up to the cube w/ his coffee mug:
e-dawg: "yeah you guys hear about smittys halloween party?"
mork: "party? no!"
e-dawg: "yeah man! its gonna be crunk!"
mork: "who told you?"
e-dawg: "smitty man! he hit me on my cell"
mork (checking phone): "i didnt get anything..."
e-dawg: "nah man, just ask him!"

mork: "smitty! wait up!"
smitty (to self): "oh not him again"
mork (out of breath): "hey man, heard youre having a halloween party!"
smitty: "oh yeah...about that..."
mork: "yeah sounds like its gonna be pretty good. ill bring the dip!"
smitty: "actually its not really a party...just uh asked e-dawg to come over and give out some candy"
mork: "i love candy!"
as Smitty attempts to walk away…Mayer calls after him with a cigar in his mouth
Mayer: Smittttty…………where ya goin?
Smitty: hey what’s the cigar for?
E-dawg: yeah man, who’d you get pregnant this time?
Everyone in the cube laughs as cigars are passed around.
Mork tries to bite into his: hey! This isn’t gum!

It’s getting colder out and Mork is wearing his green pull-over windbreaker where the zipper only goes halfway complete with a big kangaroo pouch. He’s also wearing fullon headgear for his braces. Shut up guys! Borou only stares but then looks away, the more he looks, the more his neck turns. Mork rushes to his cubicle hoping no one notices. He then sticks feathers in his headgear.

Mork: remember guys? I’m 3/25 Native American.

Mork: Greco! Messages, please!

Greco(wearing a headset): you have none.
Just then the phone rang.

Greco: Top of the Morning, Mork’s cube.

Mayer: raaaaawrrr
Mayer had just woken up w/ a cereal bowl parked on his chest and drops of milk in his chest hair. The blinds are drawn so its really dark in his room stroking a cat in his bed. The cat is covered in milk as well.


Greco: uhhh…hello…Mayer. What are you eating?


Mayer: frosted flakes. Cuz they’re grrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat!


Greco: you sound like a tiger.


Mayer: I am a tiger. A tiger in bed…..had a rough night!
Mayer notices that he’s actually painted like a tiger at the moment.
Mork grabs the headset from Greco: gimme that!

Mork: hola! Me llamo Mork!

Mayer: what is it Mork?

Mork: nothing, just wanted to tell you about my new lucky socks..(he sticks his foot in Grecos face. Greco tries to swat them away)

Mork: They’re black with big flaming dice on them! I feel light in them!

Mayer: your socks....are schhhmokin'!!!

Mork: check out my gravel pit!

Later that day, Wilford picked up Mayer in the shuttle and it pulled up to the circle blasting “I’ve seen better days” (fastball?)
Mork runs up: I’ve seen better days!
Mayer: I’ve been the star of many plays!

That evening…at yoga:
Mork shows up to yoga after work in mom jeans cuz he didnt know what to wear.


mayer :"yeah thats definitely mom jeans"

mork: shut up!

mayer: i would know, i was w/ your mother last night

Borou (barely audible): what are mom jeans?

Mayer: lol umm basically high-waisted, straight leg jeans that make you look like you have a realllllly long crotch area

greco (in his black suit): guys, lets begin w/ downward dog

Riddle Me This...

Mork is on the roof with one of the office's computer chairs

twirling in between different telescopes (see goo goo dolls video below). He keeps looking through the telescopes trying to catch a glimpse of Expose class in the building nextdoor. Mork gets really into the moves and starts dancing as he's watching, when he hears footsteps.

Mork: Who's there?

It's Borou-a-boo, standing on the edge of the building looking like he's about to jump.

Borou-a-boo: Don't take another step!

Mork: Not on my watch!

Later that night Mork and Greco break into the office after hours to read ppl's emails.

Mork: Hey! someone's goig to Seacrets tommorow! you know, one of the young girls

Greco: "That's nice."
Barton walks by. "Seacrets?"

Mork: "yeah, you know, by my condo!"

Barton: "oh, very nice!"

Mork: "we're gonna meet up with some hotties from work!"

Barton: "gimme gimme gimme! I have a car! I can drive!"

Mork on a walkie talkie: "Wilford, fire up the shuttle We're going to Seacrets!"

Wilford brings the shuttle around front. E-dawg's boat is attached to the hitch. The whole gang piles into the boat, except for Wilford of course. Mork climbs in, and steps on Mayer, who is passed out on the bow with a bottle of Captain Morgans in his hand. He's wearing a captain's hat, a blazer with no shirt underneath. His chest hair is out in all its glory.

Mork: "IM SO HOOOD!!!! I'll be right back guys"
He disappears into the cabin. Meanwhile, over the loud speaker, someone says "Whoever googled killing themselves at work, please report to HR" Borou-a-boo looks down, embarassed.

Mork emerges. He is wearing a bikini made of whipped cream and some cherries. "Hey guys, riddle me this..."

Just then, E-dawg and Borou-aboo get on board. E-dawg has a boombox and is blasting that song "Ayer" by Flo-rida. "Yeah guys! Boats & Hos!"

Mork, standing in the captain morgan pose: "there aren't any hos on this boat?"
Borou-aboo just sits, with his neck bent at a 90 degree angle, about to say hi but then he changes his mind at the last minute. He's kinda shy.
The shuttle takes off, headed straight for Seacrets. Greco is hanging over the side, throwing up. "Slow down!"

Mork just sits Indian-style on the bow with Obrien's Mexican poncho devouring nachoes Bell-Grande from T-Bell's 'Big Bell Value Menu'. In betgween stuffing his face, Mork shouts over the noise of the shuttle: Hey, do you guys know I'm 3/25 Native American?

Greco: That's impossible, it's not divisible by 2.

3 hours later, they arrive at Seacrets. Everyone is eating watermelon. We're sitting on the dock and spot Mork in the corner. "Uppppp"

Mork: "hey hotties! wanna share this watermelon with me?" and he holds up a watermelon which is eaten to the rind.
Borou-aboo: "he's a nice guy!"

ocean city

So Mork and the shuttle driver, Wilford decide to take the van to ocean city. Wilford is shirtless but hes still wearing the hat. Mork is in the passenger seat strumming on a banjo. Greco sits patiently in the back. The van pulls up on the boardwalk, where they drop off a couple of teenagers. they drop them off and then drive the van over onto the beach and open up the doors. Only the trap door gets stuck, so Mork starts singing hey guys, let’s let “my love open the door haha” The door bursts open and the gang carries out a boombox and a keg like theyre trying to have a party. mork sets up some umbrellas...
joey greco is on the beach assisting Mork in a black suit.

Mork: please go get me some smoothies from tiki sunrise

Greco: (w/ a pad and pen) "what flavors would you like?"

Mork: I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WANT!

Greco: would you like a bendy straw? how about a twisty straw? perhaps one with a spoon on

the end?
Mork grabs him by the collar of his shirt and is like

Mork: just get me a mango smoothie!

Greco(sweating now): ....just mango?
Greco comes back with smoothies and some wrappers and they lie on the beach in their towels. Greco is in a towel over his suit.

Mork is standing over greco sucking back a gatorade like napoleon dynamite and he wipes off his mouth and says: can I ask you a question?
Greco says "I believe you just did..."

mork- "...what are you trying to say?"

greco- "you asked if you could ask me a question..."

mork- "yeah, can i?"

greco- "is that the question?"

mork- "is what the question?"

greco- "can you ask me a question?"

mork- "didn't i already ask you that?"

greco- "is that the question you're asking?"

mork- "is what the question? to be or not to be?"
mork just gives up and sighs: just get me a bull on the beach and some thrashers...
later they go on that slingshot thing in Ocean City and are like Whooooooaaaa! they hit up the amusement park. Late in the afternoon they go to the parrot bar across from Ocean Gallery. the shuttle driver wants to go to the ocean gallery and look at frames but Mork wants to go drink and talk to the parrots and go in the scuzzy hot tub. Wilford goes on his separate way. Greco follows Mork. When they go to the scuzzy hot tubs, they find none other than Mayer with his hairy chest all exposed and arms spread against the wall of the hot tub, who happens to be chatting up some high school girls on their senior week.

Mayer: “So, I don’t know if I told you ladies I’m a thespian..” all the girls get up and run away. as Mork and Greco hop into the hot tub including Greco in his suit.
Mayer is already drunk and says: "hey Joey, why are you always wearing that suit? what are you hiding under there?" and he tries to rip his suit jacket off.

Greco: I’m a professional. I have to wear this suit at all times.

Mork: Even in the hot tub? Come on, look at all these babes! theyre gonna think youre a LOSER!
Mork puts his tenny pumps back on and runs off for a minute. While Mayer is like molesting Greco to take his suit off, Mork comes back w/ the parrot that he stole. The parrot is not too happy about this so hes jumping and clawing Mork's back and squawking
Mork: “ahhhh! god damnit! get it off of me!”

Greco gets out of the hot tub and helplessly tries to assist him
Greco tries to swat the bird away with a hankey while Mork is screaming and Mayer’s just sitting there.
Greco: can I get a hand?"
and Mayer starts clapping

Minutes later Mork is all bandaged up from the bird attack when
greco realizes: "wait a minute...wheres wilford?
Mork: forget that fat bastard! he ditched us! for picture frames! Lets go get our Seacrets on.
Mork texts Wilford to meet them as Seacrets.

3 hours later….

It starts to rain at Seacrets and the Wilford brings the car around and complains "One of my headlights is busted..."

mork just busts out: "we can drive home...with one headlighhhhttt"

Mayer: Oh yeah, wasn't that song on the soundtrack to Godzilla? you know, with Jeff Goldblum?
Remember the video? theyre like playing in an old building and its raining outside. the jeff goldblum is outside with godzilla. i think at one point the godzilla might look in the building at the band. and if he doesnt he really should

Mork: yeah!! and in the video the dinosaur bites through the building?

Greco: actually, I think the dinosaur in the wallflowers video, is just looking into the building at the band.

Mork: "no, he looks in the building! he looks right at them! then he almost steps on jeff goldblum! I’m telling you, it happens!"

Wilford interrupts: No no you're all wrong... you're thinking of two of the ugliest dudes ever doing a duet for spiderman 2. What was that video called? who was the other singer for that video? nickelback and........?

Mork hisses: Sssaliva. check this out!
Mork starts belting out really slowly the beginning of that song "Hero" from Spiderman 2:

I am so high..........., I can hear heaven.I am so high....., I can hear heaven.Oh but heaven, no heaven don't hear me.

Mork and Wilford Together: And they say that a hero could save us. I'm not gonna stand here and wait. I'll hold on to the wings of the eagles. Watch as we all fly away.......

Wilford: hey I was at the movies the other day seeing that new Will Smith joint, and there was this commercial for the Army National guard. Have you guys seen this stuff?

Greco: you're referring to 3 doors down, "Citizen Soldier." I wikipedia-ed it. Have you seen it, Mork?

Wilford starts singing "Cherry Cola" by Savage Garden.
Greco is taking notes furiously on everything going on...

Maybe next time we'll just bring Jock Jams...

With Love,

~Cook my Glove...

Two Centaurs Walk into a Chipotle...

So im walking to work as usual when mork pulls up next to us in the passenger side of his best friends ride trying to holler at me and starts singing "my eyes are getting weeary...my back is getting tight" and the van follows us all the way up to the bldg and hes like "baby all I wanna do is cash my check and drive home to you..." what a loser!

Anyways, so I walk upstairs to my desk and pass Cent (formerly as known as Centaur) and she's got this blank glazed over stare which is magnified by her thick glasses. Her head is tilted at a 60 degree angle with a big dreamy smile on her face. She is dreaming of Mork. Mork Black (see picture). They are staying at his condo at Seacrets. He is sweeping her off her hooves. Centaur was awakened from her fantasy by a mass page projected throughout the office: "Whoever Googled Jerry Mayer…please report to HR immediately."

So I decided to turn myself in thinking how bad can it be? So what if I googled Jerry Mayer?When I walk in the chair is turned around like facing the window and a voice says "have a seat. " Then the chair spins around to reveal none other than Joey Greco. For some reason Joey Greco has a cat sitting on the desk kinda like Dr. claw. He begins the investigation:

Greco: "What do you know about Mayer?"

Me: I don't know anything about Jerry Mayer. That's why I was googling him.

Greco then slides across the desk a picture of Mork Black in front of Seacrets.

Greco: What do you call this?

Me: I-

Greco: What about this?(Greco slides a picture of the door in front of the office with the bug smashed and also a picture we had of Wilford in his mountaineer hat)

Me: where did you get these?

Mork: Paintbrush! Mork appeared from behind the coathanger in a dark corner.

Greco:"we have someone who would like to confront you..."

then Mork emerges from the shadows. Greco slides the last and final picture which we had googled earlier in the week. It was a picture of 'The Beets' from Doug.

Greco: what do you know about the Beets?

Mork interrupts Greco and with an air guitar belts out "KILLER TOFUUUU"Mork gets so into it that he accidentally hits the intercom on the phone so itll go through the whole office... "ooh ee ohhh...killer tofu!" and centaur hears this on her phone and says to no one in particular "that sounds yummy!"

Greco: Mork, please stop.

Mork exits yelling "who ate my edamame??"

Greco: Back to the investigation. what can you tell us about jerry mayer? Before I can respond barton wanders into HR starts talking about Jerry Mayer's website and how he's an actor/producer. Joey Greco turns to his computer and begins to type the website

Greco: is it http://www.jerrymayer.c/-

Barton: oh, grow up Joey! That Mayer is fat and he dyes his hair.

Me- I thought he was bald…

Centaur enters: Oh my God…you guys jerry mayer will be starring in high school musical 3!

Barton: Very nice....

Greco: alright…that settles that matter. We just have, one more thing to ask you. We found this flier on the bathroom wall, do you know anything about it?

BENFEST 2008

Bring your Mexican Ponchos, your Dave Matthews CDs, your Jesus sandle, your orange beards and come on down to BENFEST 08. It will take place on the eastern shore just across the bay bridge. Jumbo Crabs and strippers. Good Boys Club status only. And for the ladies, we are offering "get fit, lose weight" wellness classes. We will provide booze and a ride home and baseball. Bring your catchers mit, we'll fry it up on the grillz (for realz). So put on your soccer cleats, get on your elephant and hop on over to BENFEST! This is the celebration of the greatest employee there ever was………..

UPDATE

UPDATE:Today the Downer returned to work with a walker. It's got a rearview mirror, complete with an American flag and tennis balls. I think there might be an alarm on it. She flaunts it in the hallway outside her cube so ppl have no choice but to notice it and ask her what happened. The person immediately regrets asking this because the Downer will go into a long-winded story about how she broke all her bones and had to get them fixed and she'll continue to complain about her life.

Grab Bags (sold at the Dollar Tree)

yo yo

magic beans (the kind you put in water and they grow into foam figures)

balsa wood airplane

a cap gun

a deputy badge

dinosaur figurine

supersoaker

so im at my desk, bored. typing with a paperclip on my finger like a witch nail or something. I'm hoping nobody sees me or notices but it's too late. Mork walks by and is reminded of his childhood. all of a sudden i hear singing behind me: "Spider webs, rotten eggs purple paint too....stir it in my witches brew, I got maaagic. alla-kazam-akazoo." I immediately take the paperclips off and put them back in my drawer. Meanwhile Mork proceeds to the upstairs conference room followed Wilford and they slam the door. For the next hour, we hear really bad 80s keyboard music (where you hit the button and the beat's already there). I finally decide to peak in the conference and see what the hap's was. Inside I found Mork doing a headstand and scissor-kicking his legs while karaoking to a Rick Astley song "Never Gonna Give You Up." To avoid this awkward situation we slowly shut the door and sneak back out. Not even 5 minutes later we hear the guitar cranked up. We rush to the conference room to see what all the racket was about. Wilford comes from the side door and yells "hey man! let's grind!" with a skateboard over his head. Just then "Sk8r Boi" comes on Guitar Hero and it's Morks turn. Wilford is doing air guitar in the back. They both sing "he was a sk8r boi she said seeya later boi" perfectly as if they've been practicing in the van alot. We both just stand speechless. Towards the end, Mork gets a little too hyped up and takes it too far. He proceeds to smash the game guitar against the table and the wall, smashing it into pieces, debris flying everywhere. The next morning I sign in at my desk and received an email from HR that says: WHOEVER SMASHED THE GUITAR IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM PLEASE REPORT TO HR. Nobody shows. so the office decided to hire an investigator. No other than Joey Greco.